This is The Guardian.
Today, Nigel Farage versus Count Binface.
He's dribbling the ball with everything on the line.
He's driving down the pitch.
He's facing price hikes and cuts past him.
Carrier Contracts tries to block him.
Oh, he leaves him in the dust.
He's at the edge of the box.
He cuts past the nonstop group chat trash talk.
He clears on goal.
He shoots.
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One minute afternoon on Tuesday, Nigel Farage posted a cryptic message on social media.
Saying simply, I will make a statement on my future in public life at 2pm.
Just after 2pm, he appeared, slightly harassed, on Reform's YouTube channel.
Good afternoon, everybody.