Stan Tatkin: Love, Danger, Deviance and Conflict.

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• 00:03

  Oh, you gotta love yourself before you can love another person.

• 00:06

  You gotta know yourself before you can be in a relationship.

• 00:09

  I mean, it's all bullshit, because developmentally, we don't do anything by ourselves without having it done first to us.

• 00:16

  So we learn everything from the outside in, in the beginning, and then we learn it, you know, in tandem.

• 00:22

  I learned to love myself at the same time as I learned to love you.

• 00:25

  They're together.

• 00:26

  They coexist.

• 00:28

  I learn to know myself by knowing you very well and being open to what you have to say about me, because that's how I know myself is in connection to another person.

• 00:37

  It's all interactive, it's all intersubjective.

• 00:39

  So these ideas give people the notion that they should not be in relationship, but practice in a cave or read a book or go to therapy, which is not a bad idea, of course, or just do workshops.

• 00:50

  But this is a learning by doing.

• 00:52

  You can't learn outside of a relationship.

• 00:54

  You have to be in one and fail and learn and fail and get better and learn and so on.

• 01:05

  When this week's guest Stan Tatkin's marriage melted down, he really was at a loss.

• 01:10

  He was a skill therapist, somebody who had built his career helping people, understanding dysfunction on all levels and personality disorders and challenges.

• 01:22

  And for some reason, when things started to go south in the most meaningful relationship in his life, he couldn't figure out how to turn down the heat.

• 01:32

  That marriage eventually ended up ending, but it also set in motion a really deep and profound exploration of how people build relationships together.

• 01:42

  What goes right, what goes wrong, the biology, the psychology, the neurology behind them.

• 01:47

  And it led him to completely shift directions in his career.

• 01:51

  He has since devoted his working life to understanding all these things and building new tools, new models to allow people who are in partnership, whether that is business partnership, familial partnership, romantic partnership, to create and to help fix things that are massively dysfunctional, and then to build really deeply meaningful, connected lives together.

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