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Dear Sugars.
My ex boyfriend, I'll call him John, was murdered two weeks ago.
He stood up for a friend when a man made a crude and offensive comment in a bar, and the man stabbed John to death six times, including in his neck and heart.
His heart, which only a few months ago I felt was my heart, too.
He was 26 years old, kind hearted and brilliant.
John and I dated for a little over a year, and we broke up six months ago.
I'm 24.
He was my first real boyfriend, first love, and at this point in my life, my only love.
Our relationship was precious and special to both of us.
He always told me it was the best relationship he'd ever been in, which made it even more confusing when he very suddenly broke up with me.
He could never explain why he broke up with me.
All he said was that he felt it was something he needed to do.
Our breakup was messy and complicated, and I was heartbroken.
We went back and forth for months, me begging him to change his mind, us briefly getting back together for a few weeks, when finally, after about four months of this torture, I was finally convinced by my therapist and friends that I needed to cut ties with him for good.
I know he knew that I still deeply loved him and I had to cut off communication with him to move on.
But this is one point of torture for me in my grief, the regret I feel about the terms we were on when he died.
The second point of torture is more petty, and it makes me feel stupid to even care about it.
Less than a week after I cut off contact with John, he went to a conference in another city where he met a woman I know.
They communicated for a few weeks afterwards, and then she flew to the city where we live to visit.