From "The New York Times," I'm Anna Martin.
This is "Modern Love."
Today, I'm talking to a writer about how she discovered that pain
and BDSM were key to her being fully in her body and in the moment.
In the most important moments of my life, my brain was instead focusing on,
how do I remember this so that it's perfect?
For her entire life, Grace Hussar struggled to stay present.
She was always a little outside of the moment, and it bothered her.
As a fellow extreme overthinker, I have to say I related to this hard.
For example, this detail really stuck out to me.
Grace told me about how when she was telling her boyfriend she loved him for the first time,
she got so in her head about it that she couldn't even remember what it felt like when he said it back.
I wish I could just go back to that moment and feel what it felt like to hear those words from him,
instead of watching his chin shake,
instead of waiting for the right response or worrying over the wrong response.
I wish I could go back to that moment and just feel that feeling.
All of this started changing when Grace became a runner.
And not just any kind of runner, an ultrarunner.
This is extreme endurance running, 31 miles — you heard that right — 31 miles or more.
She was pushing herself to her limit or beyond it.