I recently found myself in an unusual state of terror and fear.
I've had anxiety and terror and fear throughout my life, but it's been very focused on a specific topic in my life.
I've always been very afraid of bad things happening to my loved ones, bad things happening to people I care about.
But weirdly, I've never really been that afraid of bad things happening to me.
Now, don't get me wrong, there have been situations where I've been scared for my own well being, but it's always been very situational.
Like there's a clear threat, and that's why I'm frightened.
It's never been like me laying in bed at night afraid of something bad happening to me.
I've always laid in bed at night and worried about bad things happening to people I care about.
And that's been sort of the source of a lot of my anxiety for my whole life.
The only sort of anxiety that was prevalent growing up for me was anxiety around whether or not people like me, which in retrospect, is not worth my energy, right?
Because it's like, who gives a fuck?
Okay?
Who fucking cares?
But that was sort of my only anxiety around myself was about whether or not people liked me, whether or not people were mad at me, whether or not I did something wrong and hurt someone's feelings, et cetera.
But I would say the majority of my fear and terror growing up was about bad things happening to my loved ones.
But recently that's changed, and I have been living in this state of constant fear and terror about bad things happening to me.
Now, I still have very bad anxiety around bad things happening to my loved ones.
But now, compounded on that, I'm scared of bad things happening to me.
And this is brand new because as a teenager, I did not give a fuck about myself.
And I didn't even realize that I didn't.